Who You Were Isn't All You Are

how you see yourself affects your satisfaction with your life

We were on mile ten of our twelve-mile run when S. huffed, “I don’t know if it’s fair for me to be doing this.” She stared determinedly at the path in front of us, focused on putting one leg in front of the other—it was hot, and we were tired after so many miles.

“Fair for you to be doing what?” I asked as we rounded a corner.

“Running. Doing marathons. When he married me, I wasn’t a runner. So is it really fair for me to spend all this time running now? He didn’t sign up for this.”

I frowned, confused. “I don’t understand.”

“He didn’t sign up to be married to a runner. Someone who—” she flapped her hand, vaguely signaling at the two of us, “spends hours on Saturday mornings running instead of being with our family.” She exhaled, like it was a relief to say it out loud. To unburden herself. “I’m not sure that it’s fair. Maybe I should quit.”

I can’t begin to explain how frustrated, how angry I feel every time I have this talk—and I have had some version this talk many times. It’s not anger at my friend, but at whatever cultural or systemic failure has led them to believe they don’t have the right to pursue goals beyond making a family. These conversations are filled with self-doubt, with mom guilt, with wife guilt, and they extend into every passion a woman might have—running, writing novels, triathlons, going back to school for a new career.

I have only had this conversation with women—not once with a man. And every time, I want to gently, lovingly, imploringly, take the woman by her shoulders, give her a hug, then shake her and say, “You are a person. With hopes and dreams and the right to change. You do not need your husband’s permission for that.” (So far, they’ve all been married to men.)

Why do women feel that we don’t have the right to change?

What we are really discussing here is a woman’s right to grow into a new identity, a new way of seeing herself and the relating to the world around her. I do get that identity change is scary. It’s a revolution within your own life, your own being. Self-concept is all about how you see yourself—how you interpret who you are and the things that are important to you. We know that clarity of self-concept affects happiness and life satisfaction, and we also know that lack thereof—or denial of—does the opposite.

I started as Jessica, RN, but in my free moments I wasn’t turning the pages of medical journals, earning CEUs toward my license renewal, or even writing that paper for my graduate degree which would further my identity as a nurse. Instead, I scribbled book ideas on the little cards we were given to take report for our oncoming patient, my mind present to care for my patients, but also slipping into completely different worlds where women were powerful witches and your childhood cat was now a ghost, but still followed you around, nonetheless. I was going home and opening Microsoft Word and writing pages for a book I didn’t yet know how to write. I was googling how to write a book and what is a literary agent? and can you make a living as a writer?

Something in me had changed.

It makes me think of the lyrics to “Defying Gravity,” from Wicked, a song about breaking free from others’ expectations. Even though I spent a decade as an RN, and three years finishing my doctorate to be a nurse practitioner, writing lived and breathed inside of me, like a dragon wanting to be let out.

I could have let that interest fade. Die. I could still be working 12- or 24-hour shifts in a job I no longer feel passionate about. Instead, I started writing my first book when my daughter was four months old, and my husband was deployed (he’s in the Army). When he came home, I announced, “I’m writing a book.” He furrowed his brow, shrugged—back then I was always trying something new. I felt like, despite my amazing career as an RN, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grow up.

Between my second (unpublished) book and my third (also unpublished) book, my husband realized I was taking my writing seriously. I had no plans of stopping.

Do men struggle with identity change the way we do? No! They take up beer making and golfing or decide what they really need is to smoke meat. They decide to write a biography or try that painting class, or heck, start a band. And they don’t ask anyone for permission—they simply buy a guitar.

So my dear fellow mom/wife/woman—go buy your freaking guitar.

Can you imagine getting married when you’re twenty-five or thirty and never changing for the next fifty years? How boring that would be? Why do we, as women, as moms, feel as though we have some obligation to remain the same person our spouse married for eternity? Why do we, as wives, have this notion that it’s our job to stay exactly the same individual as we were when we said, “I do”?

Repeat after me: I am not just a wife and mother. I am a person, and my passions matter, too.

It is normal, it is good, to grow. To change. After I turned forty, I started to notice how many of my friends were becoming more themselves over time. Like magic!

Bonnie Garmus is the now-famous author of Lessons in Chemistry, a book that published to rave reviews and bestselling status in 2022. She is a wife and a mother of two daughters, and her early career was not as an author. She worked as a copywriter and creative director of technology and medicine, then opened her own business. She then decided to pursue creative writing—and eventually wrote this bestselling book.

What if she hadn’t done that? What if she’d thought to herself Well gosh, my husband didn’t marry an author. He didn’t sign up for me to spend my time that way?

Or consider Ina Garten, also known as the Barefoot Contessa. She didn’t start out as a chef or cookbook writer! She met her husband at age fifteen and married him five years later. Practically a baby! She went into work for the government as a budget analyst—a far cry from anything related to cooking. But she loved cooking. It’s how she spent her evenings and weekends, making food for her family and friends. What if she never took a chance on herself? What if she thought well, I wasn’t cooking like this when I met my husband, so I better not.

Ina Garten got married to Jeffrey Garten when she was 20, in 1968. Source: People

Friends: do the thing! Pursue your passion! Even if it’s in the few moments you can spare. But please, please, don’t decide to not do it because you feel guilty you’re becoming a fuller version of yourself.

You don’t have to ask anyone for permission to pursue what you love. If you have a family, that might make it a little more complicated to find the time, but you are under no obligation to stay the same person you were when you were twenty or thirty or forty.

Remember that self-concept is your interpretation of who you are, and there’s a correlation between how clear your self-concept is and your happiness.

If you write, you are a writer. If you draw, you’re an artist. If you craft sourdough bread, you’re a baker. If you’ve taken up quilting, you’re a… quilter? You get the idea. You are. Claim that identity. Wear it proudly. Here is why: when you claim your identity, when you make it yours, you are taking yourself—and your passion—seriously. And when you take yourself seriously, other people will, too. Maybe not all at once. It took my husband a second to realize writing wasn’t one more transient hobby.

But now he proudly tells his co-workers, “My wife’s an author. She’s published four books. You should read them!”

You should also know that studies indicate that people who pursue their interests, express their true selves, and live authentically, have higher life satisfaction and lower levels of depression. They are happier.¹

Yes, change is scary. It feels like a risk, not only because you’re accepting some new aspect of who you are, but also because you hope others will accept and embrace that new aspect, too. I remember the first time I posted on social media that I’m a writer. I held my breath. My heart pounded. Would my family think that was dumb? Would my friends laugh behind my back? Would they not take me seriously? It felt like I was admitting something big and scary. But people were wonderful. They were kind, they cheered me on, and when I announced I finally landed an agent, my cousin sent me flowers!

Of course, that doesn’t mean everyone really got it then or even now.

But I believed in me. And that is a great place to start.

Six questions for self-clarity

Here are six questions for you to consider as you move toward your own self-clarity and pursuing what you love, whether you’re just beginning or halfway there:

1. Take a moment to hit pause and reflect—who are you really, outside your roles of mother and wife? What do you want?

2. Acknowledge and challenge the expectations on who you are/what you do. Are you shaping the choices you make, or is someone else? Societal expectations? Does this serve you, or were you taught you should? What can you let go of?

3. Can you give yourself permission to change? To evolve? Becoming more isn’t necessarily about leaving your old self or roles behind—it’s about growing, about becoming more. And that might not always be comfortable—maybe Sunday mornings are increasingly complicated, because you now take two hours for your long run and your husband is solo for that time. But that’s okay. Maybe you can swap, and they can take two hours for their passion when you get back.

4. Can you surround yourself with people who understand and affirm your identity? This has meant other writers in my case. Maybe for you, you join a running group or a tennis league.

5. This part is hard—but I’m going to challenge you to let go of the guilt. You are doing a good thing for yourself—and setting a good example for your children. If you’re struggling, can you ask yourself how this will make your life better? Happier? How it will positively impact you and your family?

6. I’m going to challenge you to also tell your story. Just as I am sharing my story with you, share your story with others. It helps to give them the courage to pursue what they love, to adjust their identity to reflect who they are on the inside. Can you be a guide for someone who is the newbie you once were, trying to find their new identity?

Meet me in the comments

What is the thing that you’re passionate about? Mine is obviously writing… but lately, I’ve taken up sourdough bread baking. Don’t laugh! There is so much art and science to it. This is my first loaf, and let’s just say it’s good I’m not watching my carbs. Meet me in the comments, and I’ll tell you the name of my sourdough starter (named by my child, so you know it’s good).

Book recommendation

I just finished Hank Phillipi Ryan’s upcoming novel, All This Could Be Yours. It’s about a woman—a mom and a wife—who leaves her job that steals all her time from her family to write a book (sound familiar?). And against all odds, it becomes a bestselling book. She goes on tour! But true to its thriller nature, nothing is that simple. Her glamourous book tour becomes a cat and mouse game as she soon realizes she’s not alone on tour. Someone from her past is out to steal her present… and she’s the only one who can stop them. You can pre-order a copy here, to get a little surprise in your mailbox on September 9.

What Emma’s reading

My daughter’s thoughts on her current favorite book series, Hooky:

“It has a lot of fun drama and really funny and scary moments, like it flip-flops. I really like the detail of the fire when the town people are trying to burn Dani because they don’t like witches. Age eight and up (says my 6-year-old) would be more appropriate because it has some really sad and scary moments.”

You can grab your copy here.

Pet corner

Frankie (the cat) and Penny (the dog) have a strange relationship. After we adopted Frankie from the local shelter, Penny spent several years being terrified of him—for good reason! Our other cat, Lil’st Kitty (who passed away last fall) enjoyed being mean to the dogs. But in the last few years, Penny and Frankie have become BFFs who lick each other’s faces (I know it’s a sign of love, but gross). But—if they see you watching them, they instantly stop and pretend they weren’t doing anything. Which is exactly when I took this photo.

I’m taking next week off for the Memorial Day holiday, but I’ll meet you in the comments!

1. Whitney L. Heppner, Michael H. Kernis, Chad E. Lakey, W. Keith Campbell, Brian M. Goldman, Paul J. Davis, & Elizabeth Cascio, “Self-Concept Clarity and Life Satisfaction: The Mediating Role of Authenticity” (Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2008, Volume 27, Issue 3, Pages 314–334).