Just Say No

(to people assuming you're available)

May 04, 2025

The most important thing I have done as a mom, wife, woman, and creative is to claim time for myself. You can’t pursue your passions without the time to do so—and time is something we as mothers struggle to find in a world that effectively demands mothers work two shifts—their “real” job plus caring for their family and household. As

Aubrey Hirsch

recently wrote about in her Graphic Rage newsletter, women spend more than twice as much time doing childcare and household work than fathers, carry 79% of the mental load of their family, and have less free time than fathers as a result.

My daughter’s birth was like walking through a door, shutting it behind me, and then someone else locked it, bolted it, and added a bar to make sure I could never go back —never return to my old life. That’s what having a baby is like. You suddenly realize that nothing will ever be the same. In time, you’ll realize much of that is good and wonderful and awe-inspiring. Other times, you’ll perch on the edge of your couch, sobbing as the breast pump yanks at your nipples, trying to ground yourself and just fucking breathe so you don’t have the full blown panic attack you can feel creeping over you because you are trapped inside an invisible cage. That keeps you up half the night. That demands constant vigilance over a tiny life, a watchfulness no one else seems to share, because no one else is that baby’s mom.

Okay, let’s all take a moment to breathe, to let our shoulder hike down from our ears, to remember that those moments are in the past—unless you’re in a new mom, in which case, I see you, and I know you’re sick of people telling you it will get better, but I swear to god it will, even if I can’t tell you when. But to those of us who are a few weeks (or years) past those panicky moments—we understand how becoming mothers takes over our lives. Our time is taken away, stolen, put in a jar with the lid so tight even banging it on the counter won’t let it loose.

But I’m here to help you, friend. I’m here to give you methods to claim back a few minutes, an hour here and there. It can be done. You can pursue that thing you love. I understand that everyone has their own unique circumstances, and the last thing I want to do is tell you that you’re spending your time “wrong.” But I am here to share some ideas for how you can make time for your passions, if you feel like that’s a struggle.

Create When They Sleep

You know how everyone tells you to sleep when the baby sleeps, and by the fifth time you’ve heard that while you’re still pregnant, you’re ready to strangle the (almost always a) man who utters those word? Well, I am here to tell you that instead of sleeping, you should write, or paint, or go outside and grow your garden. Take that time and make it yours. (And yes, sometimes that means you really do need a nap 😉)

I’m not just discussing your child’s naptime, though. I’m also talking about early mornings and late nights. I know many of us work full-time jobs, but entire novels have been written by getting up an hour early and writing before work. Even Toni Morrison did this, and she’s quoted as saying, “Writing before dawn began as a necessity—I had small children when I first began to write and I needed to use the time before they said, Mama—and that was always around five in the morning.”

I wake up about 90 minutes before my daughter does, which is enough time for me to actually work for an hour or so. This feels like my sacred time, and I treat it as such, not answering messages or letting anyone interrupt it. We also got her a “rise to wake” clock (it changes color when she’s allowed to get out of bed) and began implementing it when she was two years old. We had to be strict about it when she was little, but now, at six, she knows she has to say in her room until 7am, even if she’s awake. (side note: she’s started waking up and taking time for herself, too, often reading for half an hour before she gets out of bed). But it’s not just writing. I used to meet my entire running group of moms at 5:30am so we could complete our long runs while marathon training before they needed to get home to their kids. It was early, but it was delightful, catching up with one another as the sun rose over the horizon, feeling that connection to our fellow runners before the day really started. Whatever your passion is, those early mornings can offer a stretch of time just for you.

If the idea of waking up at 5am is daunting—believe me, I’ve been there. But this is all about building the habit. The first five times you do it will suck. You will think to yourself I should just go back to sleep, or maybe, I’ll start tomorrow. And it will be so tempting. But then you will think of that thing you want to do, the person you want to become (a writer, a painter, a creator of custom, hand-made purses), and you’ll know that that requires making a decision every day to make time for yourself. And then one day you’ll wake up and it won’t be so bad (for me it took about three weeks). And now? It’s my favorite time of the day. It’s time when no one else is awake (save a very energetic adolescent cat), when I can drink coffee in silence, check my email, and—you guessed it—write.

One of my early mornings to myself. It was still dark out, and I sipped coffee and revised by the light of the Christmas tree. Truly a magical hour.

Some moms are able to find productive time once their kids are old enough to start preschool. Besides school, many moms I know also pursue their passion while their children are busy with activities—whether karate or soccer practice. Laptops in cars, writing that book, or a bag of craft supplies as they piece together a sewing project. Stolen moments waiting in the school pick-up line. Entire novels have been written from the driver’s seat of the car, and I’ve known easily a dozen moms who do this! Some even report it’s their favorite place to write.

Schedule It

When you schedule the time you want to spend pursuing your passion project or your side hustle, you claim it. I recommend you get a calendar. I recommend you write in permanent pen, not pencil, Writing time 12-2, or whenever you can steal a block of time.

Here’s why:

When you schedule it, you’re more likely to do it.
When it’s on the calendar, that is what you’re supposed to be doing during that time slot. Not raking leaves or doing dishes or the myriad other household tasks that always need to be done.

You’re creating a boundary, telling yourself what you’ll do during that time, but also, this may help you with another thing moms struggle with: mom guilt. As moms, there’s always laundry to do, dinner to cook, or dogs to be walked. So often, we put ourselves and our passions last. But if you write it in your calendar, you’re making a commitment. And that can be very powerful. You show up for your hair appointment or your kid’s dentist appointment, right? You can show up for your passion the same way.

Guard Your Time

Even if you become a master at blocking off time on your calendar for yourself, other people are going to encroach on your time. They might even assume you’re available. Your spouse will ask you to help with a project while the child sleeps or to sip coffee with him when he randomly decides to get up early, too. A friend or neighbor will knock on your door and ask if you’d like to drink wine with them or go on a walk or come over and watch a movie. You’ll get a text inviting you to do x, y, or z. And you’ll stare at that person, at that message, and you’ll feel that tug inside you to say yes, because of course you don’t want to say no, and you don’t want to disappoint a person who you care about.

But my fellow mom—say no!

This is your writing/quilting/studying for the LSAT time!

Many years ago, I had a neighbor who was absolutely lovely. But she also had a habit of knocking on my door and inviting me to do all sorts of activities, knowing it was my daughter’s nap time. In her mind, this meant it was free time. But it wasn’t. It was writing time, and I gently and politely told that with every invite. I still spent time with her—but not during the time I had blocked off to work on my passion. And yes, I did feel guilty about that at first, but I maintained my boundaries, she respected them, I finished my book, and now it’s published.

The point here is this: I’m not saying it’s not important to drink coffee and chat with your spouse. I’m not saying time with friends isn’t a necessity. But these activities don’t get to happen during your creative time.

This was not an easy change of mindset to make. There were times my husband was upset I didn’t want to <insert activity of your choice> at that exact moment or want help with <insert household chore>. I explained I was happy to do those things—but not during my writing time. It took months, but eventually, he got it. Now, even my six-year-old gets it. It took sticking to my guns, protecting my time. It took explaining and re-explaining that I couldn’t just “skip this one time” because inevitably that became tomorrow and the day after that, too.

Ask for Help

Talk to your spouse—tell them how important this is to you.

I used to run a group called #MomsWritersClub back when Twitter was Twitter (this group still exists over on BlueSky!), and many of those moms had talked to their significant others, and guess what? Every weekend, the partner would take the kids out for a couple hours, giving them downtime to work on their passions. This big chunk of time on the weekends was magical.

And you can ask other people for help, too—grandparents, best friends, siblings, etc.

You can even ask your child for help. When my daughter was four and had dropped naps (😭), I sat her down and explained that on the days she didn’t have preschool, I needed an hour or two in the afternoon to work on my books. And she magically didn’t bother me for those two hour time blocks… just kidding! Of course she did. But she tried really hard to stay busy with her art/toys/etc. Sometimes, she got some screentime. Now, at six, she’s really good at keeping busy while I get work done. And even better, she’s watching me pursue something I’m passionate about—which, as I wrote about last week, shows her that it’s not just okay, but important, to pursue the things you care about. It also makes her feel like she’s part of my writing journey. She’s proud to tell her friends her mom’s an author, and she too asks for time to work on what’s important to her—already! At six years old!

Book Rec

I usually send all my favorite thrillers your way, but for the second week in a row, I’m going to recommend a nonfiction book. Atomic Habits by James Clear put to words much of what I’ve practiced these past five years and gave me a deeper understanding of what it means to be a creative. I ignored this book for a long time, but then it was mentioned in one of my favorite writing podcasts, I had to check it out.

Why I think it’s worth reading if you’re trying to claim and guard time for your own passion project:

Small changes make a big difference over time. These newly forming habits compound, just like money does—it might be one hour at a time spent training for a marathon, doing your hill repeats or long runs. It might only be day of running today, but if you train for six months? You’ll be ready to race!
“… a slight change in your daily habits can guide your life to a very different destination.”
This rings true for me, because I started writing seriously AFTER I had a baby! When she was a few months old, and I only had naptimes to write. Not only that, I was finishing my graduate degree at the time. But I changed my habits—I made time for writing. And now I’ve published four books with two to come. In those early days, it felt like such a dream—to be a published author? I remember my husband reading about how it was “nearly impossible” to secure a traditional publishing deal. But I did—one tiny step at a time. And you can, too.
Focus on who you want to become—not just what you want to achieve. You want to be a writer, not just publish a book. Say it to yourself, establish this mantra: “I’m someone who_____ <writes, runs, creates a small business from scratch, etc.>.” Through the process of writing, you are a writer—and that book? Well, if you’ve created your writing habit, it will take care of itself.
Success is the result of consistently following the system you setup—where you schedule your time and then guard it. By claiming that time for your art, you give yourself the chance at success.
One of my favorite parts was the idea of “plateau of latent potential.” Clear writes, “Breakthrough moments are often the result of many previous actions, which build up the potential required to unleash a major change… similarly, habits often appear to make no difference until you cross a critical threshold and unlock a new level of performance.”
This reminds me so much of the first three (yes three!) books I wrote that were never (and will never!) be published. They were the practice. And with each book I got better, I learned more, I better established my habits. And then… on the fourth book, the accumulation of all that work over two and a half years came together, and I received not one, not two, but three offers of representation from literary agents. I felt like I was spinning my wheels until suddenly, it happened.

I’ll leave you on this last point, because I will encourage you to not only create this habit of taking time for yourself, for your art, but to also stick with it. A little each day will take you a long way.